What i Felt

i don't know how to come out of it. They said the trip would end when it was over but i don’t know how far or long away that is or will be.

i was walking.

i felt like i was walking for so long, but i’m still sitting on this couch. Or at least i’s body is there, i can see it still there.

i can’t feel anything in it though because it isn’t i.

i’m floating. i’ve been floating. It’s getting smaller and smaller. i’ve passed through ceilings and a roof but i still see that smug face and the drool dripping out of the sides of its mouth as i float further and further away from the corporeal world.

Astral.

Celestial. i think those are the planes i’m flying through at the moment, or at least, i think i am.

i should know but no, i’m not even sure if i’m able to think.

Ok i can think but this time around i’m not thinking with i’s head or mind because they’re down there.

i’m looking at them.

There is no organ facilitating those processes or thoughts.

There is no me.

Only i.

i feel like i still but me is down there, still drooling, there’s so much drool i can’t even fathom it, it’s like the horseshoe falls are pouring out of it’s open mouth. It’s disgusting and it smells of meat but up here it smells like stars and copper.

Why does it smell like copper?

The stars aren’t gorgeous, they’re big now, much bigger than big can be. i didn’t know big could be that big. They are terrifyingly beautiful. They’re singing a song i feel like i’ve heard before and it’s wonderful. Their bodies are what bodies should look like.

i want to make love to the Sun but i can’t because at this point i think i’m just an idea.

i wave him goodbye and it cries in song.

i feel sorry for him. It only moves when it’s told to.

But at least it gets to sing.

And what a voice.

But as i drift further and further out his voice faints and it becomes one of many in the choir.

God they all sound so beautiful. All of their bodies are just so perfect.

i’ve never been more in love than i am with the stars right now.

i can spin.

That’s new.

i spin as i continue to soar and i find iself outside of what i assume is the meat sack’s galaxy.

She’s incredible.

Her voice is incredible.

i love her.

She sings to i in a language i hadn’t heard since before i’s birth.

It’s different than the ones me had heard on earth but i understood it just fine. i feel her love hit i and i take it as i am taken higher through the cosmos.

Cosmos.

C

O

S

M

O

S.

What a word.

It is all that surrounds me as i shoot past more and more beautiful bodies.

The copper scent has been gone and it stays gone. It now smells of diamonds, carbon, and fire.

i look down and i see the drool and how it is flooding the apartment but i don’t care.

The cosmos tastes like green grapes and tempered steel and the color purple and the sound of a grand piano and salty air. Speed becomes i as i woosh. Higher and faster.

i keep moving and grooving.

Now me was only a glimmer at the bottom. A glimmer of drool.

That makes i smile.

As i look back up, i shoot out of a wall of what feels like fire-jello and it burns like home.

i’s movement is brought to a halt and there in front of me is Her.

He is smiling brightly and Their eyes were soft.

It knows i by name.

She looks at i like a father does when It sees Their child receive an award or a Macaroni painting does when He makes it to the fridge.

“It’s you,” i say.

“ ” She replies in Their voice. i am crying. i can’t help it. He wipes i’s tears and She says, “

” and i can’t stop crying as They do. There is too much love. Too much acceptance. For the first time, i truly feel like i am a part of something and apart of something. It runs Her fingers through i’s hair as i try to compose iself in front of Him.

“ ” i can’t believe it but i have no choice. i needed to hear it. It makes me feel again. i am. i really am and i need to be kinder to me when i get back.

“But i don’t want to go back.”

“ ”

“Can’t i stay here with you?”

“ ”

“Ok.” i sniffle and They wipe the last of i’s tears from i’s face.

“ ”

“i love you too. Thank you.” He brushes a hand across i’s cheek, and looks i deep in the eyes.

“ ” and She kisses me on i’s forehead.

“YO DUDE ARE YOU FUCKING OK?” I was me once more. My eyes started to work and I didn’t feel any drool on my face. Colin, who agreed to be my sober monitor for the day, stood over me, hands on my– -

My shoulders.

“Yeah man, I’m good.”

“You’re crying bro.” He was right, tears were flowing steadily from my eyes.

“That I am.”

“How’d your trip go?” I took a beat before answering him.

“It was perfect.” A smile found its way onto his face.

“What did you see?” For a second, I was unsure of how to respond. I knew exactly what I had seen, but what I felt is what I thought was more important.

My eyes swelled up as I found the word.

“Love.”