In the infinite history of the universe, there are few sounds that strike true unadulterated fear into the hearts of those who hear them. Statistically, the sixth most jarring happens to be the infamous “apple alarm” noise. That very same noise happens to be the one that Jessi woke up to the next morning.
Her eyes, red as the rising sun, shot open and her head throbbed like a fifteen-year-old’s boner in math class.
“Oi,” she mumbled. “My head.” Jessi peered through squinted eyes, attempting to regain her bearings. One of the empty bottles from the night before laid sleepily beside her, as empty wine bottles so tend to do. The two envelopes from the portal remained on the floor by the oven. The smell of burnt cauliflower pizza creeped back into her nostrils. A sigh rode out of her mouth atop a warm, stale breath. She sat up, brought a hand to her head, and got out of bed, with her dead phone in hand. Once in the kitchen, she was able to make out the time on the clock of her microwave: 10:45am.
“SHIT!” She was incredulously late for work. Jessi ran to the shower, screaming “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK” as she did the following:
Turned the water on.
Ran to her room and grabbed an outfit for the day, that she threw atop the toilet seat.
Grabbed her toothbrush, applied it’s paste, jumped in the shower, and went to work on scrubbing her teeth with one hand and her body with the other.
“GHUK GHUK GHUK GHUK GHUK GHUK GHUK,” she continued to chant, while she cleaned.
She threw up and kicked her bile down the drain as she cried. When she felt clean enough, she hopped out of the shower, only to realize she had no clean towels handy.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” She picked up the shirt she wanted to wear that day, and began to hand dry herself with it. With the moisture gone, she began to dress.
Socks first (like a psycho path).
Then underwear.
Those jeans Armando got her a week before they broke up the year prior, that finally fit her ass the way she always wanted them to.
The last good bra she had.
She opened the bathroom door and made a B-line for her bedroom for a dry shirt… but something happened as she sped through the doorway. She suddenly became surrounded by the same strange turquoise light that emitted from the oven portals the night prior (She honestly had forgotten that had happened). She ran through what felt like an extremely warm patch of air before
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She was sucked through some sort of vortex.
Not just any vortex.
A postage pooper.
She shot through the wormhole like a crab out of a cannon.
She tasted time and space as she shot through all the eras that had ever been or would be.
She saw the creation of the universe.
It was the fart of a primordial deity.
She soared past planets she had never even knew existed.
She saw Patrick Swayze’s ghost.
And then everything stopped.
She landed on her hands and knees.
She was at an actual place again and the come down from her journey made her vomit for the second time today. She wiped her mouth and looked up.
In front of her were three of the same exact creature she had encountered the day prior. All blue. All furry. All naked from the waist down.
“Salutations!” the one in the middle said, as It smiled a benevolent smile and waved like a mother, sending her child off to summer camp.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” Jessi replied. She threw up again.
“Oh good, she’s terrified,” said the one on the right as Jessi continued to scream and puke.
“Is there a way to make her stop?” asked the one on the left.
“AHHHH-”
“Oh,” said the one on the right to the one in the middle. “Say the thing.”
“-AHHHHH-”
The one in the middle’s eyes lit up.
“Yes! The thing!”
“-AHHHHHH-” The one in the middle raised his hands in the air. The other two followed. It turned Its attention to Jessi and said,
“We come in peace.”
“-AHHHhhhhh.” Jessi stopped screaming. She threw up again.
“Oh my,” said the one on the right. The one in the middle walked over to Jessi, hands still in the air. Jessi looked up at him, a little less fear in her eyes now.
“I can’t believe that works,” whispered the one on the left to the one on the right. The one in the middle got about seven feet away from Jessi.
“We don’t want to hurt you. We only wish to talk.” It extended a hand to her. Jessi stared at it for a second. She wiped the remaining bile off of her face, then extended her hand to meet the blue fox man’s… but before she could make contact, It raised Its hand up. And with Its hand, rose Jessi, right off the ground.
“Woah, woah, woah!”
“It’s alright,” Jessi was brought to her feet, and the fox man dropped Its arm to Its side. “Just wanted to get you out of that puddle.”
“How the hell did you do that?!” Instead of answering, the one in the middle turned to the one on the left.
“Jyourng, would you mind running to the sewing room and fabricating a garment of some sort for Ms. Vendredi’s bosom-” Jessi looked down and remembered she was only wearing a bra up top. She hurriedly covered her chest. “- I assume she’d feel more comfortable with a few more layers of clothing.” The one on the left nodded.
“Right away, Grand Poobah Minister Marshall,” It said before turning and skipping away.
“Thank you dear!” The one in the middle called after It. It then turned to face Jessi once more.
“My apologies, Madame, our species doesn’t exactly wear clothes.” Jessi tried to grasp everything It had just said.
“Sp-species?” Its eyes widened.
“Ah yes, forgive me,” It made a fist and brought It’s arm across It’s chest. “My name is Tord Flord, Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall of The Observance.”
“The what?” Tord Flord ignored the question and gestured to the one on the right.
“And that is Chuck.”
“Hiya!” Chuck said as he waved.
“We are Flebians. You are in the Fleb system of the YuudleQuod Galaxy, of dimension number 2A7GY.”
“I’m… w-what?”
“You’re-” It turned to Chuck. “What’s the earth saying?”
“Not in Ar-Kanzus anymore, Sit.”
“Thank you Chuck.” He turned back to Jessi.
“You’re not in Ar-Kanzus any--” Jessi cut It off before It could finish butchering the idiom.
“Are you saying you’re Aliens?!”
“Well, technically YOU are the Alien on OUR planet. And in our dimension.”
“Planet… dimension? What the fuck are you going on about?!” The Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall, Tord Flord and Chuck looked at one another.
“Chuck, would you mind fetching Ms. Vendredi a soft drink or Earthen Esspresso?” Chuck nodded and skipped away.
“HELLO?!” The Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall, Tord Flord turned to meet Jessi’s eyes once more.
“Ms. Vendredi… there is a great badness that threatens this dimension and all others.” Upon hearing those words, Jessi’s eyes grew wide as the grand canyon on earth 278G69C (which is actually about 1.965 times bigger than the grand canyon in the dimension this was published in).
“You… you wrote those letters from my Oven?”
“Yes, we sent you the portal postage. We also sent one of our agents, Tyrk Dingo, to earth in so we could have our first correspondence be face to face but-”
“Is he the one who spontaneously combusted?” The Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall, Tord Flord’s face dropped.
“It what?”
“Oh. Yeah some italian dude touched him and he literally burst into flames, it was really horrible to watch.”
“You… you just stood there and watched?”
“I… oh my gosh, yeah I did. Everyone was kind of in shock, we didn’t know what to make of the whole thing.” The Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall, Tord Flord’s eyes began to water. He looked away from the human. Jessi began to feel her face turn red. “I’m really sorry. I don’t think the italian guy thought he was gonna combust.”
“The oils of your species skin, are extremely dangerous when they come in contact with my people’s fur.”
“Oh… that sucks.” There was an awkward moment of silence and Jessi found the socks she had on to be more interesting than eye contact. “What, uh… what were you gonna say earlier?” The Grand Poohbah Minister Marshall, Tord Flord wiped a tear from It’s furry face.
“Ah yes. Our purpose for contacting you.” The Blue creature took in a deep breath. “Ms. Vendredi, All of the dimensions that exist in the Space-Time Continuum are in danger. And you’re the only person who can prevent their total destruction.”
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