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  • Writer's pictureJay F. Servedio

A Friendly Discussion in 1869 (another sketch)

FADE IN:

THE YEAR IS 1869. THE PLACE IS YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND.

EXT. YORKSHIRE SIDE STREET - DUSK

RICHARD CADMENSTERSHIRE (28, white) smokes a mangled pipe, and wears a disheveled and rather torn suit.

He is approached by GEORGE WORCESTERSHIRE, (32, white) dressed in his best tweeds and boots, with a day cap to top it off.

RICHARD

Oy,


GEORGE

Oy.


RICHARD You uh... you george, den? GEORGE I am, I am, mate. 'Presume your knowings of mi name makes you Rich den?

RICHARD Rich? Fink again, bruva. I wish. Blimey, e'fI weres rich wouldn't

piss-fucking round with yew lot, den, would i?

GEORGE I mean ya name..'zit Rich?

RICHARD Ah den, Rich. Somewhat, I suppose.

'Fyouwere to call me Richard,

den you'd right as rain sir.

GEORGE

Richard, den.

RICHARD Yes. Richard'saname mi mum gave me.

He flashes a grin made of rotten teeth and chapped lips. George tries to hide the disgust from reaching his face.


RICHARD (CONT'D)

A pleasure, den.

He extends a hand to shake. George shakes it.

GEORGE

A pleasure.

There is an awkward pause.

GEORGE (CONT'D) So-

He takes a notepad and pencil out of his jacket pocket.

GEORGE (CONT'D) -yew wrote yew hads informations on Dickens andis strange enterings into

suggestive gavering spaces?

RICHARD Ye I've see owle'chuck muckin around in da dens.


GEORGE Dens?


RICHARD

Ye...

GEORGE Yew meanta say'ees been dabbewlin in opyum?

RICHARD I mean ta say, mistuh, dat I've seens him enta

da dens. I nevah suggested sucha haynus fing.

GEORGE C'mon den man, I's gawts ta get dis story ta mi employar.

If we can break dis tew da public fawr

Satahday's paypa, we'wl shock da howl fahkin worwld.

Richard shrugs at that.

RICHARD I can give yewan address, budas awl.

GEORGE Imuh need a lawt moar informashion den dat bruvuh.

Suddenly, a MAN brandishing a knife comes out of nowhere and says:


MAN OY!

GEORGE

OY


RICHARD OY! MAN GIMME AWL YEW GAWT!

RICHARD

Hoohdafuckareyew?

MAN Imdaman ooze gonna shlit da bowf ov ya froats efyewdont gimmeawl yew gawt!

GEORGE Sir, please kinly fuckawf.

MAN Oy! I got a bloody knife'ere!

GEORGE Use itah fuck yaself den! Pissawf!

MAN I'm serious ay! I'wl cutchyew bowf!

RICHARD

Owaboutyew cut da shit and buggeroff, ya twat!

MAN Oy, donchu cawl me a twat yew bloody cahnt!

GEORGE Oy! Donchu call'im a cahnt you bloody bahstahd!

MAN Oy! Donchu call me a bahst-

A SECOND MAN opens up his second story window and shouts at the three squabblers.

MAN 2 Oy! YEW LOT! SHUT DEH FUCK UP DEN! SUM OF US AHR TRYIN TO SLEEP YEW

FUCKING GODLESS HEADONISTS.

MAN

OY, FUCK OFF

RICHARD CANCHU SEE WERES IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHIN YEW BLOODY CAHNT?!

GEORGE ANDANOVAFING! YEW AHRNT YEWSING DA WORD "HEDONIST" INA PROPAH FASHON!

MAN 2 FUCK OFF DEN, I KNOW HOW TO USE DAH WORD HEDONIST, YEW FUCKING DUNCE!

GEORGE NO, A HEDONIST IS AN INDIVIDUAL WHO BELIEVES DAT A LIFE WELL LIVED IS A

LIFE LIVED FOR PLEASHAH!

A GODLESS INDIVIDUAL IS A HEAFEN!

RICHARD Oi, no a heafen isjuss somebloke who is a nonbelievah in dah chrisden faif. MAN

Nah, Mi finks ids applicable to any religious dogma or of faif dat sort.

RICHARD

Are yew sure? MAN 2

THIS SEEMS TRIVIAL!

MAN OY! WHO CROWNEED YEW DA KING OF DETERMINING WHAT IS AND ISNT TRIVIAL.

A WOMAN opens up her shutters.

WOMAN OY, WILL YEW FOUR SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

ALL FOUR MEN scream: "OY"

CUT TO BLACK.

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